'The Expendables 3' Review

              On paper, the 'Expendables' franchise seems like a great idea. Bring in the greatest 80's/90's action movie stars to team up as one super group. Twenty years ago, it was never likely to happen. But Sylvester Stallone had a vision. I'm pretty sure it went a little something like this:
 
                  "What if I put all of my power into getting these group of guys together, but not take any interest in good humor, well written dialogue, interesting characters, or visually coherent action sequences? CHA-CHING!"

          'The Expendables' was born. First came the relatively low budget  film in 2010. Really generic, stupid, and utterly forgettable.  Even Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger only share screen time with Stallone for only about a minute and a half. So, where's the fun in that?

       In the late summer of 2012 came its sequel, properly titled, 'The Expendables 2'. Still stupid, but a bit more entertaining. It had a cool performance by Jean Claude Van Damme as the villainous, VILANE (not making that up)! Also, the final battle was a lot of fun. Plus, Arnie and Bruce were much more involved.  But all that aside, it was no masterpiece.

       Now we get to the, supposed, "FINAL CHAPTER" in the 'Expendables' trilogy (yeah right). This time the very neatly woven together plot revolves around....you know what? I'm just put a link to a description of the movie's plot summary on IMDB. I really don't care. So, if you really wanna know, here ya go: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2333784/plotsummary?ref_=tt_stry_pl

See what I mean?

   This movie is near torture. Plain and simple. It has a surprising runtime of over two hours, and believe me when I say it feels even longer! I've sat through two movies that are nearly three hours in the recent weeks: One great ('Boyhood'), one bad ('Transformers: Age of Extinction') and I'll let you know that this movie felt even longer than either of those. The movie just drags on and on and on for the majority of its runtime. Most of these guys have made worse movies in their long careers, but none of them seem this boring. 

    The movie's main selling point is its cast. And trust me, they're each just about as interesting as a piece of blank paper. As a fan of Stallone, it amazed me how bored he looked this entire movie. Maybe it's just the piles of plastic on his face, but he seemed to only have about two expressions the entire film. It's one of his most careless performances in years (that's saying something). 

   The rest of the cast is about the same. Statham sucks (but I'm not a fan of his anyway). Schwarzenegger's there just when they need an extra crappy one liner, or when they have an extra machine gun to spare. Harrison Ford looks like he's reading off queue cards. Dolph Lundgren just continuously growls for the camera. Jet Li just shows up near the end so people can make jokes about how short he is. Terry Crews gets wounded early on in the movie, then just pops up in the end. And Kelsey Grammar becomes Mr. Exposition when in scenes with...WAIT! What the hell's Kelsey Grammar doing in this movie?

  Now, some of the cast isn't all that bad. Mel Gibson (who's horribly underused) really makes for a good bad guy, and proves that he's far too good of an actor (ACTOR. Not human being) to be with the rest of these muscle heads. Wesley Snipes also makes for an energetic new addition. But the real scene stealer is Antonio Banderas as a guy who wants nothing more than to be a member of the Expendables. Banderas really goes over the top with it, and it's so much fun to watch.

  

Oh that reminds me: There's also a group of younger people. 'The Expendables: Junior Unit', if you will. One thing to note is that the majority of it focuses on this group, which basically takes away from the one thing that made this franchise special. All of them are pretty lousy actors, but the worst is UFC fighter Ronda Rousey as the first female team member. I respect the heck out of her. I think it's so cool that she's a female athlete in a mostly male dominate sport, and that she still kicks ass when she's in action. But, the poor woman can't act. I mean, it takes a lot to be noticed as a bad actor in an movie like this, but she does it. It also doesn't help that the script continues to make sexist comments about her as a woman in a group of dudes. 

  

 Oh yeah, did I also mention that this movie is kinda racist? Maybe not as bad as some other movies (i.e. 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen'), but still questionable. The best example I can use is whenever Antonio Banderas has a scene, they usually play booming mariachi music over his dialogue. Plus, when we're first introduced to him, he's a construction worker. Because....of course. There's a couple jokes about Wesley Snipes and Terry Crews that feel a little cringe worthy.

 Speaking of "cringe worthy", that's the best way I could describe this film. If you thought the dialogue was bad in the past two movies, wait till you see this one. I'll let you watch it for yourself, but a good example is, "I'm the knife before Christmas". But trust me, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

 So, is this movie all bad? Well, almost, but not exactly. A few good performances are definitely note worthy. And the final battle has some good moments. But even that becomes a little boring once you've gotten past the eighteenth explosion, the crappy CG helicopters blasting through the air, and the horribly neutered PG-13 gun violence that looks straight out of a 1930's western. I guess it's still kinda cool to see Rambo punch Mad Max. 

 But overall, 'The Expendables 3' is another case of wasted potential. With each of these movies I walk out thinking the next one will be better. But I'm not falling for that anymore. I kinda give up on this franchise now. What could've been a dream come true, just turns out being stupid, loud, and not very fun.  

 And to think that this is the same guy who wrote 'Rocky'...

Grade: D

Review by: Josh McCormack