"Halloween" Franchise Rewind Marathon: Rob Zombie's 'Halloween'

I hate this movie so, so much. 

By: Josh McCormack

For the next few days I will be taking a quick look back at the long-running "Halloween" franchise leading up to the release of David Gordon Green's latest entry. Since the newest film is wiping the slate clean of all the sequels and remakes, I thought we could turn back the clock and talk about all of the films in reverse order. 

Happy Halloween!

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A little video clip before we begin:

"There is a difference between good and scary movies and movies that systematically demean half the human race. There is a difference between movies that are violent and entertaining and movies that are gruesome and despicable. There is a difference between a horror movie and a freak show."-Roger Ebert

Rob Zombie's 'Halloween' is a freak show.

It is a film that doesn't care about people. It doesn't care if its audience has a good time. It doesn't care that it is pointlessly mean-spirited and ruthlessly offensive. 

It is unnecessary, gratuitously unpleasant and hateful.

It is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. 

John Carpenter's 'Halloween' from 1978 (which of course we will touch on in this series) works for many reasons, but one of which is its simplicity. The film opens with a young Michael Myers killing his sister and there is no rhyme or reason to his madness. This is the closest thing we get to backstory of the killer throughout the whole movie. He is, as Donald Pleasance says, "purely and simply evil."

Rob Zombie decided to go the exact opposite route with the origin of Michael and his family life as a youngster taking center stage in the first act of the movie. There's nothing wrong with trying something different in a remake, that's what the best remakes do. But when one of the hallmarks of a character is their enigmatic nature, you can't just omit that. Otherwise, why are you even calling this a 'Halloween' movie?

To make matters much worse, the backstory is full of unnecessary exposition, side characters who have no impact on the narrative, and some of the nastiest dialogue I have ever heard in any movie. This includes William Forsythe as Michael's step-dad commenting on how good his step-daughter's ass looks. Or how Michael is going to grow up to get his testicles cut off and be called "Michelle" (Because transphobic jokes were HILARIOUS back in 2007). There's even worse stuff said in the opening five minutes of this movie, but I honestly feel gross just thinking about it. And as I mentioned in my previous 'Halloween II' review, I genuinely believe Rob Zombie thinks this shit is funny. He has a hearty chuckle over rape, incest and pedophilia.

 To think this man has enough fans to still crowd fund his crap. Ugh.

The film then goes into Michael's prison life in a sanitarium. This portion of the movie consists of a graphic prison rape scene that goes on for more than a couple of minute until it is FINALLY cut short by Michael killing the two redneck rapists and being let loose into the world.

From this point on it's just a gorier, less suspenseful imitation of Carpenter's classic. It's still terrible but in a different way.

Zombie's 'Halloween' could have been two things. On the one hand, it could have been a remake that just sticks to the original's structure and retells it with a different visual flair. Or it could have been something completely different that explores areas that the original film didn't elaborate on. Well Rob Zombie chose to do a little of each and failed spectacularly on both accounts. 

The first half's unpleasant backstory is a mess that has no effect on the rest of the film and is basically just Zombie showing off how #edgy he can be. And once the second half comes along it's just a slew of greatest hits moments from the original film. Just with a few more bad actors, grisly gore fx, and constant spewing of the word "fuck" for good measure.

And if someone is reading this thinking my only issues with the film are its cosmetics and how I'm just too much of sissy to sit through the inappropriate dialogue or grisly violence, let's take a look at how poorly structured this movie is, shall we?

Since Rob Zombie does not give us an actual protagonist until nearly halfway through the film, we never are able to identify with Laurie Strode and her friends as we do in the original movie. Not that Scout-Taylor Compton could have made me sympathetic towards her interpretation of that character if she had five seasons of her own tv show, but nonetheless. Also, the final confrontation lasts for nearly twenty minutes. The original movie was able to do more with its final showdown between Laurie and Michael in less than half that time. 

The cast, by the way, is also a slew of Rob Zombie regulars (appearances by Sid Haig, Ken Foree, Sheri Moon Zombie, etc.) which means that he probably poked his head into the break room of a "HorrorHound" convention and gave these guys a gig. In all honesty though, Dee Wallace deserves so much better than this. 

What's that? Are there any things I don't hate in this movie?

Well, I guess Michael's mask is pretty cool. I like the idea of how it's rotted and aged over the years, which is actually something David Gordon Green's latest installment seems to be paying homage to. I know I just made fun of the cast, but it does make it a little less unbearable as a horror fan when you can distract yourself and say, "Oh look, there's so and so." And, as I briefly touched upon in my "H2" review, Rob Zombie has a very distinct style. That doesn't mean I like it, but when you look back on the franchise you notice that most directors seem to just be aping off the stylistic choices of Carpenter's original film or they're just trying to copy the look of the popular slashers of whatever time they were produced. For better or worse (mostly worse), this movie's style is Rob Zombie's and Rob Zombie's alone.

Yet these are all the tiniest of compliments. This film is a travesty. It's a movie that makes me uncomfortable and angry just thinking about it in a way very few movies do. It takes all the elements that make for a good "Halloween" movie and chucks them out the window in order to make room for gratuitous shock value and at the end of the day, it's just draining to sit through.

Folks, I am officially done talking about Rob Zombie's "Halloween" movies and Hollywood is officially done making them.

Good riddance.